As the end of high school came nearer, I dreaded the upcomming annoyances of my classmates. Telling them "no, Im not interested" to their weekly party invites never got into their heads, so they would be more active on you now towards the end of school... of course.
It started out as usual: people asking me - me declining. But it escalated and soon even those people who normally never asked me also started asking. Im not a rude person, Im really not, but at this point I had to put my IRL-status to "invisible"/"not available" and simply forget their existance and continue with my drawing. They stopped asking faster than I expected when I stopped talking, and they must have wondered why I am like this.
My family were also pushing me ofc. They have always expected me to appear normal - always. Like relatives always do: they ignored facts and chosed hopes, dreams and fantasy instead. They knew something was wrong with me, and they still do. They just don't give a shit. My mother seemed to have this idea that I would go there, have the party of my life and then I would be a happy person. Sigh...
The week before gradiation, I was... frustrated. But since Im a problem solver, I always have backup plans, always. I wanted to avoid as much as possible. The official cermony of the school: getting your grades and having a dinner, I was totally fine with. Spending time around drunk people for several hours later that same day I was not fine with. Why can't people just leave me alone? I kept asking myself.
So I had a plan. I would lie to my family about going to the party. Get booze and "disappear" into the woods, spending 6 to 8 hours there or something all alone. It was a brilliant plan I must say, and I almost went with it, and don't really understand why I didn't. Anyway: in the end it turned out that one of childhood fri... person, was having a slowpaced, chilled-out BBQ "party"/"hangout" of his own coz he didn't wanna go to the big prom either. I think thats how he described it. I sacrificed myself and went to his place, just so I wouldn't have to lie to my family. I disliked it of course, and today I still wish I had just gone into the woods, and sat there for hours and hours, and then come home and act like everything was fine... Why pick the lesser of two evils when you can ignore both? Whatever...
Friday, March 27, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Schizoid? What on earth do you mean?
So what exactly does it mean being a schizoid? Well I wrote this on www.schizoids.net in the thread "Schizoid? What on earth do YOU mean?"
Extreme preference for solitude: I don't dislike people, it's just that I prefer being alone. Spending time with others requires energy, and it is so much easier to not spend that energy and just be alone. I've been to parties, I've done things with others, so it's not a case of social anxiety because I have none. I just feel it's not worth the effort doing things that are less giving to me when I can be alone and do my own things instead. Being alone doesn't require anything - but being around people does. I have to talk when I don't want to, discuss things I dont want to discuss, go where I dont want to go, and so on. This solitary behavior is extreme, I will decline any social invitations that I don't find rewarding. Why? Because "hanging out" just for the sake of hanging out is pointless to me. I do like discussing things with people, and I do think that it sometimes can be fun to share experiences with other people. But 99% of the time I want to be alone...
Social exhaustion: Everyone need "alone time" after socializing. Me as a schizoid though need A LOT more alone time. Back in highschool, this lead to me doing nothing after each school day - nothing but sitting in front of my computer. It completely exhausted me having to spend several hours in school every day, over and over again - which is why I needed those huge amounts of alone time. At university level, it has been easier. Not so many lectures to go on and not so much social interaction. But even these small amounts of socialization was exhausting. I just want to go home when I feel like this... to get away from people. So slowly, I stopped going to lectures, and then I stopped taking new courses at my school but picked up distance courses instead. Today I do all school-related stuff from home, and I never spend time with people (except family) during my free time.
Disconnection: I feel like Im from another planet. When I see and hear all the things other people do I can't really relate to them. I don't understand why people are so obsessed with having goals in their life, and trying to accomplish as much as possible with their lives. I don't understand the heavy amount of social interaction people crave for, and when people smile and laugh I feel like a caged animal at a zoo. How can they be so happy? How can they be so motivated and driven to do all the things they do? Are we the same species? The only times I actually feel alone is when Im around other people. It is then that the contrasts becomes the most evident for me, and it is then that I no longer can deny that Im not like them. Sadly, even around the people I care about (parents and younger brother) I sometimes feel alienated... alone. I've never had any close relations in my entire life, not even with my family.
Teenage development: Like A Rebours said earlier, I too did not go through the normal teenage social developmental stage. I skipped, well... ignored the emotional/psychological/sexual experiences that are typical of growing up. I never felt that I had to be like everyone else, which was always easy since I had no problems not giving a damn about what other people thought about me. Because of this, I never learned how to make friends, never went to parties, never had a girlfriend, never experienced anything actually. I was completely aware of this yet couldn't care less. I just never felt like I was like everyone else, and I don't think I've ever felt like that... I've never felt that Im a real person.
Extreme avolition: For the last several years I haven't felt motivated to do anything other than sustaining life and do whatever I can to get as much free "alone time" as possible. I push everything in front of me, even the smallest things. I have a hard time motivating myself to get school work done, or even go out with the trash, do the dishes and so on. The complete lack of rewarding feelings has totally annihilated my motivation regarding almost everything. And the few times I actually am motivated, I quickly become bored, ask myself "what is the point?" and just stop.
Extreme anhedonia/apathy: almost nothing is "fun", or makes me happy. My mood spectrum only consists of "bad" and "whatever". I never do anything except sitting in front of my PC, watch movies, read or do drugs. Simply because almost nothing entertains me or affects me emotionally. I've gone to parties, been with people, bowled, gone fishing, played boardgames with people (the list goes on), and frankly these activities wasn't as great as everyone else seem to think they are.
Emotional coolness: Im not emotionally void - Im not a robot. I do have feelings but they are heavily dampened. Even when good or bad things happen to the only people I care about Im not affected as strongly as others would. Often I exaggerate or plainly "fake" my concerns, which is a learned behavior and nothing I do conciously. I can feel strongly sometimes - but it is very very rare. And last, but not least: I never show people how I feel.
Excessive daydreaming, intro- and retrospection: Whenver Im not busy with something that requires intellectual power, I think about things - a lot. I often daydream about how life and the world could be, how it would be to be the last person on earth, and how it would be living with the apocalypse. I also think about myself a lot and my current situation/condition. I also retrospect a lot: think about the past. I think about all the things I've experienced, how I could've done things different and so on. Also, prior to doing important things IRL (like meeting someone, or going somewhere) I play out a scenario in my head to prepare myself. On top of all this I also have a tendency to analyse my surroundings (people, nature, behavior, and so on), sometimes overanalysing things or plain out misinterpreting them.
Rigid appearance: My face is expressionless most of the time, and the same goes for my voice which is very monotome. I sound and look bored and uninterested, which gives people the wrong idea that I am being arrogant. Also, when it comes to clothing I always go for the exact same kind of clothes, and I rarely buy new ones. While other people buy a new winter jacket every year I don't mind wearing mine for 5 years.
That is all for now...
Extreme preference for solitude: I don't dislike people, it's just that I prefer being alone. Spending time with others requires energy, and it is so much easier to not spend that energy and just be alone. I've been to parties, I've done things with others, so it's not a case of social anxiety because I have none. I just feel it's not worth the effort doing things that are less giving to me when I can be alone and do my own things instead. Being alone doesn't require anything - but being around people does. I have to talk when I don't want to, discuss things I dont want to discuss, go where I dont want to go, and so on. This solitary behavior is extreme, I will decline any social invitations that I don't find rewarding. Why? Because "hanging out" just for the sake of hanging out is pointless to me. I do like discussing things with people, and I do think that it sometimes can be fun to share experiences with other people. But 99% of the time I want to be alone...
Social exhaustion: Everyone need "alone time" after socializing. Me as a schizoid though need A LOT more alone time. Back in highschool, this lead to me doing nothing after each school day - nothing but sitting in front of my computer. It completely exhausted me having to spend several hours in school every day, over and over again - which is why I needed those huge amounts of alone time. At university level, it has been easier. Not so many lectures to go on and not so much social interaction. But even these small amounts of socialization was exhausting. I just want to go home when I feel like this... to get away from people. So slowly, I stopped going to lectures, and then I stopped taking new courses at my school but picked up distance courses instead. Today I do all school-related stuff from home, and I never spend time with people (except family) during my free time.
Disconnection: I feel like Im from another planet. When I see and hear all the things other people do I can't really relate to them. I don't understand why people are so obsessed with having goals in their life, and trying to accomplish as much as possible with their lives. I don't understand the heavy amount of social interaction people crave for, and when people smile and laugh I feel like a caged animal at a zoo. How can they be so happy? How can they be so motivated and driven to do all the things they do? Are we the same species? The only times I actually feel alone is when Im around other people. It is then that the contrasts becomes the most evident for me, and it is then that I no longer can deny that Im not like them. Sadly, even around the people I care about (parents and younger brother) I sometimes feel alienated... alone. I've never had any close relations in my entire life, not even with my family.
Teenage development: Like A Rebours said earlier, I too did not go through the normal teenage social developmental stage. I skipped, well... ignored the emotional/psychological/sexual experiences that are typical of growing up. I never felt that I had to be like everyone else, which was always easy since I had no problems not giving a damn about what other people thought about me. Because of this, I never learned how to make friends, never went to parties, never had a girlfriend, never experienced anything actually. I was completely aware of this yet couldn't care less. I just never felt like I was like everyone else, and I don't think I've ever felt like that... I've never felt that Im a real person.
Extreme avolition: For the last several years I haven't felt motivated to do anything other than sustaining life and do whatever I can to get as much free "alone time" as possible. I push everything in front of me, even the smallest things. I have a hard time motivating myself to get school work done, or even go out with the trash, do the dishes and so on. The complete lack of rewarding feelings has totally annihilated my motivation regarding almost everything. And the few times I actually am motivated, I quickly become bored, ask myself "what is the point?" and just stop.
Extreme anhedonia/apathy: almost nothing is "fun", or makes me happy. My mood spectrum only consists of "bad" and "whatever". I never do anything except sitting in front of my PC, watch movies, read or do drugs. Simply because almost nothing entertains me or affects me emotionally. I've gone to parties, been with people, bowled, gone fishing, played boardgames with people (the list goes on), and frankly these activities wasn't as great as everyone else seem to think they are.
Emotional coolness: Im not emotionally void - Im not a robot. I do have feelings but they are heavily dampened. Even when good or bad things happen to the only people I care about Im not affected as strongly as others would. Often I exaggerate or plainly "fake" my concerns, which is a learned behavior and nothing I do conciously. I can feel strongly sometimes - but it is very very rare. And last, but not least: I never show people how I feel.
Excessive daydreaming, intro- and retrospection: Whenver Im not busy with something that requires intellectual power, I think about things - a lot. I often daydream about how life and the world could be, how it would be to be the last person on earth, and how it would be living with the apocalypse. I also think about myself a lot and my current situation/condition. I also retrospect a lot: think about the past. I think about all the things I've experienced, how I could've done things different and so on. Also, prior to doing important things IRL (like meeting someone, or going somewhere) I play out a scenario in my head to prepare myself. On top of all this I also have a tendency to analyse my surroundings (people, nature, behavior, and so on), sometimes overanalysing things or plain out misinterpreting them.
Rigid appearance: My face is expressionless most of the time, and the same goes for my voice which is very monotome. I sound and look bored and uninterested, which gives people the wrong idea that I am being arrogant. Also, when it comes to clothing I always go for the exact same kind of clothes, and I rarely buy new ones. While other people buy a new winter jacket every year I don't mind wearing mine for 5 years.
That is all for now...
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